I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
she smelled like a LAN party
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
