My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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