just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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