when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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