worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize