seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
