The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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