Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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