I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
No subtext here. People are naked.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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