She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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