Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
