you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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