the condom got lost in my hair
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Randomize
