Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
