good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
