Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
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