The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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