i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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