just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
