I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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