apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
