Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
its liver damage thursday
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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