the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize