Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
