Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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