saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
