Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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