I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
