we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
