Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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