Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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