foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The feeling are messing with the penis
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
