i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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