I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
