Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You are the jesus of drinking
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize