i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize