Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
