Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
if only i could text you this smell
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
