i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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