No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
