Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
