Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
