Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
