you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Randomize
