Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize
