Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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