One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
