I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
We talked him into tasing himself.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize