I just made out with a guy for $7.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I AM VODKA MAN
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
