Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
