In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
