Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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