wrigley field is MILF paradise
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You were trust falling into bushes
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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