I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
