You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
