i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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