she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
