Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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