just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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