And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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