ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize