Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
